Dad,
I look at my phone 100 times a day hoping to see a text come through with your name. Oh what I would do to receive a “good morning” text followed by the biggest smile as you enter my room and open my curtains. I’d trade the world and everything in it. To even just sit next to you for a moment to soak in your peace would be a wish fulfilled for lifetimes to come. Do you know how big the hole in my heart is since you’ve left? It’s as deep as the abyss and as wide as the Milky Way. I search the house for reminders of your presence, desperate to feel you; desperate to hear you tell me, “it will all be okay.” Right now I don’t know if anything will ever be okay. My world is upside down and off it’s axis. My compass was you.
You raised me well. You taught me to be selfless; in life, in love. The greatest gift you gave me was the sacrificial selfless love that only a dad can give his child. When my life hit pause and I was stuck in hell fighting to get well you paused your life alongside of mine. My constant companion. My caregiver. My biggest cheerleader. You moved mountains until your last breath to help me heal, and I hope somewhere up there you can see me shine. Everything I am now I owe to you. All that I am, all that I will be, is because of you. If I could go back in time and deliver one final line, it would be “thank you.” I didn’t utter it nearly enough. You deserved more than what words could encompass, but since you left suddenly words are the most expensive currency in the world. At night I ask God to send you to me in my dreams so I can tell you all the things I didn’t say here on Earth. It’s not the same. It will never be the same.
I think you are still sending me gifts now. They are lifelines to keep me afloat when you know I need it most. And damn do I need a buoy to pull me from the waters I’m in now. I don’t know which way to go. As everything crumbles around me, I am reminded of the countless moments when you picked me up, dusted me off, and told me to keep going. The answers to the hardest questions in life used to be so clear when you were beside me. Now I’m shaking a crystal ball and getting nothing but a hazy question mark at every turn. How do I make decisions without your guiding light? Like a ship in the night I need something, anything, to trudge through these murky waters and land back on safe ground again. I want to run, but I know you’d tell me to stay. So I’ll obey. For now. Until you send me a sign; tell me where I should go. Left or right. Up or down. Near or far.
I love you,
Christina
Truly beautiful, heartfelt, heartbreaking. I ache for you sweet friend. Incredibly proud of you for sharing your deepest feelings with us. You are carrying your loving and supportive dad with you each and every day. God is guiding you, and your dad is with you each step you take. I am hugging you from afar, here for you, anytime you need a friend to lean on when the days/nights may be the most challenging. Love to you, sweet, strong, beautiful friend. --Terry Mayfield xx